Am I Okay?

Several years ago I had it all planned out, settled in Knoxville, found a wonderful church, mastered my position at my firm, and a detailed course of action in place. In Marissa fashion that didn't last very long, God had other plans for my life. Conditions changed rather quickly, my family decided to foster children, Tavis went off to college, Tharrin started high school, and eventually we adopted a beautiful baby boy. Everything was happening so fast, the only option was to roll with the punches, but somewhere along the way I forgot to laugh and enjoy the simple beauties of life.

Sitting here feeling a bit underwhelmed with myself I decide it is time to get to the bottom of this sensation. Looking back a couple years it's apparent to me that I have been on autopilot. Being a mommy is a full time job, I do understand that, but I have been a mommy for 20+ years, what is so different now?

Reality is that I have been 100% focused on my foster children, every ounce of my body has been invested in their future, their health, their happiness; nothing has navigated my attention outside of those kindred spirits. Now that the daily fight for them is behind us, I feel a little lost. What do I have to offer?

My husband often ask if I am okay, why he does that was puzzling at first, until I began thinking I am quite different than a few years ago; my smile isn't as big, my laugh is suppressed, and my tears are frequent. I have witnessed many troubling issues during our fostering journey; watching those in charge disregard the most innocent lives, social workers with tied hands due to a broken system, babies crying in pain because of drug withdrawal, and little ones brokenhearted as a result of their parents poor choices. This is what I think about much too often, how can I make a difference in this big world for these little people?

Where is that lighthearted girl that was ready for anything and everything? Possibly stuck in a rut or pushing through to my new reality? Trying to focus on brighter adventures that will capture my heart, or simply enjoying the mundane evenings, watching our beautiful son blossom, attempting to keep up with the big kids and their busy activities, or just sitting quietly in a corner observing the beauty around me. Honestly, I'm doing all of the above.

It is time to fully enjoy my blessings that continue to pour out over my life, laugh for no reason at all and as loud as I once did. Cry tears of happiness not sorrow, keep my eyes on Jesus and the promises He has for my family. Life is not all smiles and sunshine, but it certainly shouldn't be doom and gloom either. So this girl is ready for anything and everything once again!

So, next time my husband ask if I am okay, with a definitive huge smile I can say, absolutely I am okay!

What's Next?

As many know we have closed our home as foster parents after we adopted Joshua. This was not an easy decision for me or the boys, but Chad felt our family was complete. Our passion to serve children hasn't changed, but our ability to foster did. Our precious gift, Joshua, still requires a lot of care, attention, and services which consumes our daily life. To bring another child in our home that also has numerous needs would be unfair to Joshua and our other children, as well as the child needing so much love and attention. So, what is next for us?

There is a burning desire to stay involved in foster care, to protect children, to love children, and to be a voice for the most innocent lives on earth. After much consideration I have decided I know what is next for me, if it is God's will.

The next best thing to being a foster parent is to be a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). The role will entail a personal relationship with the foster child, to be their voice in court, and to walk this troubling journey with them. Often children in care will move to several foster homes, have numerous caseworkers, and troubled family history. This is were I come into the picture, CASA workers are often their only constant, the person they can truly relay on and trust.

As a volunteer CASA I will be assigned to one or two children and be on the case from start to finish. It is my responsibility to discuss what the child needs and wants are, meet with biological parents, foster family, neighbors, school, providers, friends, family members, church, or anyone else who can shed light on the child and situation. After the investigation is done I will submit recommendations to the judge and DCS on behalf of the child. It will also require me to monitor services for the child, verifying the parents are following a case plan, and most importantly advocating for a safe, permanent home for the child.

Helping children live a healthy, safe, happy life is most important, but to see them meet and exceed all expectations are goals for me. To provide this child an opportunity that they surely wouldn't have otherwise is motivation to succeed as a CASA.

My husband often reminds me that I can't save the world, then I remind him that I can change the world for at least some children.

My application is submitted, my heart is committed, so now the process begins.