My Testimony

Before Christ, my life was extremely chaotic. My relationships were volatile, conditional and my emotions were in complete disorder. Every aspect of my life was in disarray. The only comfort was my children, they were my #1 reason to live. Despite the joy I received from my children, I would still seek happiness from worldly things/people. Chasing the wrong men which led me to two failed marriages, both ending in infidelity. Literally, I thought my life was over, completely devastated, such a failure, and so depressed. I even considered suicide. I justified ending my life, even believing my kids would be better off without me. Nothing else mattered, but there was another thing that stopped me (besides my boys)....... Where would I go? I wasn't totally sure I would go to heaven, so I didn't go forward with suicide. Although, I didn't turn my life over to Christ just yet, and life didn't get any easier. Going on dates, bar hopping, and still the good times were fading fast. Chasing happiness was exhausting. Lonely, fearful, unstable, sinful, worthless sums up what I was at the end of the day.

Ever hear the saying, "sick and tired of being sick and tired", that was ME! I was weary. Having been through so much in my 34 years, I was looking to fill that piece of my heart that was so empty. Thankfully I met some really great people at the perfect time. They often spoke of God, they lived in such a manner that I could see pure happiness and Christianity. I'm pretty sure they couldn't stand my choice of music, hence why they introduced me to Klove, a Christian radio station. I decided I would listen to that for 30 days and nothing else. (I bet they celebrated that victory) They also invited me to church each and every week. Finally, I went, it was wonderful and I wanted to go back. Each week I went and subtle changes were taking place, such as smiling. Giving my life to God wasn't instant, it was a marathon. Little by little I gave myself to God and took myself out of the world. It started with a simple change to music, then "friends", surroundings, and desires. Don't get me wrong, I had gone to church before this, I played church off and on for years. I would go through stages of wanting to "be good", but this time was different. I was understanding the word, Jesus was speaking to me through the bible, and things were so clear for the first time. I finally surrendered to Christ and I was going to live for Him.

Never in a million years did I expect for my life to change so dramatically. Honestly, I didn't even see the changes until a friend asked me, "how has your life turned so perfect and mine is a wreck"? I simply stated, " JESUS. Dear friend give your life to the Lord, everything will change". My entire world has changed. Is it perfect, absolutely not! But now I walk through the tough times with Jesus. My God has redeemed me, forgiven me, shown mercy and grace. I don't deserve anything He has done for me, but He washed away all my sin. The bad things have been made good for my sake and His glory. (Romans 8:28) Today I have stability, security and I get to enjoy my boys, my loving Christian husband, new baby boy, wonderful in-laws, family, a great employer, and so much more. Never will I take my life for granted or the sacrifice that Christ paid for me.

I was knocking on hell's door, now I am the King's daughter.

HOPE........

 Too often I find myself seeking hope in the next test result, our physician's reassurance, or Joshua's behavior. If the test results come back "normal" or he is active, I feel our circumstances are improving. We received test results showing our baby has an undetectable viral load, boy oh boy was I hysterical with joy. My hope was resting on that blood test, all too often worldly hope is faulty, just as our most recent undetectable blood work. I know God is able, He can heal Joshua and if his HCV was undetectable it would be a true miracle from God. Although the test was an error, God working this out in His time is not a mistake. Trying times bring me back to my real hope. God!

What a lesson I learned this week, regardless what these test show God is still good, He is loving, faithful, and present. Furthermore, my hope rest in God, nothing or no one else. He writes our final chapter.

"Yes, my soul, finds rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God. He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-12