To my son's birth mom

To my son's birth mom,

Today is the one year mark that Joshua came into our life, he turned our world upside down and all around. It is a year full of many blessings, more than we could ever count. We celebrate today, we celebrate our son, and all of his accomplishments. We also celebrate you, without you there would not be our Joshua.

Tuesday was the day of the week at 12:41 P.M. when Michelle called, she told me about a 17 day old baby boy who needed a home, I said yes without hesitation. In those moments all I could think about was what he looked like, how big he was, and how I could make him feel loved. I did ask about you, where you were and what your history was.

What I wasn't prepared for was our connection. Many have asked me how I can be close to you, why would I want to be, and do I feel anger towards you, I will answer those questions today. I didn't anticipate to have a relationship with you. In the beginning my focus wasn't you, it was Joshua, but somewhere in this journey my heart softened. During court I was worried about your feelings, at visits I wanted you to be comfortable with me, and I just grew to genuinely care for you. It wasn't something I envisioned, it was God working through me, God had a plan. Next, those close to me have asked why I would want to have a close relationship with you. Well, truthfully some days I am not sure that I do. At times it is hard, I feel guilty when I see your pain, I feel the need to comfort you or guard my words. There are days I just want to share our excitement, but I find myself worried I am hurting you. God has put you in my life as well as Joshua, this is why I stay connected to you. Lastly, do I get angry with you? In the beginning I certainly was, when this innocent baby boy was crying endlessly, because he was weening off of drugs, I was very angry. I didn't understand how you could hurt him, why wouldn't you stop doing drugs for him? Then, God worked on my heart, He gave me an understanding that could only come from Him. I began to think about your past, how you were raised, why you made some of those choices, and without you I would not have this sweet, precious baby. It was no longer important to know the why's, I focused on what God wanted me to focus on, that wasn't hurt or anger, it was love, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. God called me to love you and cherish you, These are the reasons that I want to be in your life.

Many won't understand our relationship, but as long as Joshua does that is what will matter.

One year down and forever to go, New Beginnings.