To my son's birth mom

To my son's birth mom,

Today is the one year mark that Joshua came into our life, he turned our world upside down and all around. It is a year full of many blessings, more than we could ever count. We celebrate today, we celebrate our son, and all of his accomplishments. We also celebrate you, without you there would not be our Joshua.

Tuesday was the day of the week at 12:41 P.M. when Michelle called, she told me about a 17 day old baby boy who needed a home, I said yes without hesitation. In those moments all I could think about was what he looked like, how big he was, and how I could make him feel loved. I did ask about you, where you were and what your history was.

What I wasn't prepared for was our connection. Many have asked me how I can be close to you, why would I want to be, and do I feel anger towards you, I will answer those questions today. I didn't anticipate to have a relationship with you. In the beginning my focus wasn't you, it was Joshua, but somewhere in this journey my heart softened. During court I was worried about your feelings, at visits I wanted you to be comfortable with me, and I just grew to genuinely care for you. It wasn't something I envisioned, it was God working through me, God had a plan. Next, those close to me have asked why I would want to have a close relationship with you. Well, truthfully some days I am not sure that I do. At times it is hard, I feel guilty when I see your pain, I feel the need to comfort you or guard my words. There are days I just want to share our excitement, but I find myself worried I am hurting you. God has put you in my life as well as Joshua, this is why I stay connected to you. Lastly, do I get angry with you? In the beginning I certainly was, when this innocent baby boy was crying endlessly, because he was weening off of drugs, I was very angry. I didn't understand how you could hurt him, why wouldn't you stop doing drugs for him? Then, God worked on my heart, He gave me an understanding that could only come from Him. I began to think about your past, how you were raised, why you made some of those choices, and without you I would not have this sweet, precious baby. It was no longer important to know the why's, I focused on what God wanted me to focus on, that wasn't hurt or anger, it was love, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. God called me to love you and cherish you, These are the reasons that I want to be in your life.

Many won't understand our relationship, but as long as Joshua does that is what will matter.

One year down and forever to go, New Beginnings.

Thankful for Unanswered Prayers

Many tears come with unanswered prayers; broken hearts, confusion, and anger. Along with tears are uncertainties, questioning our worthiness to God. I've allowed myself to participate in the "what if" scenario, if I was a better Christian, if I was a better wife, if I was a better mom; those examples are lies from Satan. God loves me despite my shortcomings. This is one of many verses that depict this in the bible. ("But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8)

There is one situation in my life that I struggled with, understanding God's plan. That was until recent events. On January 12th, five years ago; I lost a child. I was nearly 12 weeks pregnant, was very excited for this new season in my life. I had prayed for this child, was beyond over the moon, until the feeling in your gut that won't let you have a moment of peace. The feeling of total helplessness, the pain that rips your heart out, the reality that this pregnancy is coming to an end. 

As I entered my doctor's office, I was in complete distress, could barely walk to my seat. The receptionist asked, "are you OK", I had to finally speak the words, maybe I was not OK. The precious nurse brought me in the back, took my blood pressure, and finally my biggest fear was unfolding in front of my eyes. Something was not normal, she so lovingly walked me to the exam room. Dr. Rodriguez entered as calm as a cucumber. As much as I wanted to scream in utter disbelief, I was holding it together and once again convinced myself that everything was fine. Dr. Rod asked what was going on, I shared with him that I had researched my symptoms online and thought it was probably something minor. Again, I couldn't accept that I was losing my baby. The exam started, all I heard was STAT, STAT, and more STAT. Something was terribly wrong, I was rushed to surgery. 

I went into surgery with a child, I came out with none.

Why would God not intervene, why wouldn't God allow me to have this child, was I so horrible that I was not worthy of a child? For many years I asked myself these questions. Those around me often said, "it was not meant to be", officially the worst thing in the world to say to a mother who just lost her unborn child. Finally, I stopped being angry with God and turned to Him for answers. It was clear to me that He had a plan, it was a beautiful plan, He would fulfill His plan when He was ready, not me. (Proverbs 19:21)   

God did fulfill His plan for me to have a child, that child did not come from my womb, rather he grew in my heart for many years. On January 12th, 2010 I lost a child, on January 21st, 2014 I received a child from God. Joshua came to me in the most unexpected way, but God's plan is perfect. Today as I reflect back, I'm thanking God for unanswered prayers. (2 Samuel 22:31)