Am I Okay?

Several years ago I had it all planned out, settled in Knoxville, found a wonderful church, mastered my position at my firm, and a detailed course of action in place. In Marissa fashion that didn't last very long, God had other plans for my life. Conditions changed rather quickly, my family decided to foster children, Tavis went off to college, Tharrin started high school, and eventually we adopted a beautiful baby boy. Everything was happening so fast, the only option was to roll with the punches, but somewhere along the way I forgot to laugh and enjoy the simple beauties of life.

Sitting here feeling a bit underwhelmed with myself I decide it is time to get to the bottom of this sensation. Looking back a couple years it's apparent to me that I have been on autopilot. Being a mommy is a full time job, I do understand that, but I have been a mommy for 20+ years, what is so different now?

Reality is that I have been 100% focused on my foster children, every ounce of my body has been invested in their future, their health, their happiness; nothing has navigated my attention outside of those kindred spirits. Now that the daily fight for them is behind us, I feel a little lost. What do I have to offer?

My husband often ask if I am okay, why he does that was puzzling at first, until I began thinking I am quite different than a few years ago; my smile isn't as big, my laugh is suppressed, and my tears are frequent. I have witnessed many troubling issues during our fostering journey; watching those in charge disregard the most innocent lives, social workers with tied hands due to a broken system, babies crying in pain because of drug withdrawal, and little ones brokenhearted as a result of their parents poor choices. This is what I think about much too often, how can I make a difference in this big world for these little people?

Where is that lighthearted girl that was ready for anything and everything? Possibly stuck in a rut or pushing through to my new reality? Trying to focus on brighter adventures that will capture my heart, or simply enjoying the mundane evenings, watching our beautiful son blossom, attempting to keep up with the big kids and their busy activities, or just sitting quietly in a corner observing the beauty around me. Honestly, I'm doing all of the above.

It is time to fully enjoy my blessings that continue to pour out over my life, laugh for no reason at all and as loud as I once did. Cry tears of happiness not sorrow, keep my eyes on Jesus and the promises He has for my family. Life is not all smiles and sunshine, but it certainly shouldn't be doom and gloom either. So this girl is ready for anything and everything once again!

So, next time my husband ask if I am okay, with a definitive huge smile I can say, absolutely I am okay!